Are you ok?

Hello, I’m back. To save you from reading this and wondering whats not ok, in summary, I had asthma attacks and was nearly admitted to hospital twice, then broke my ribs from coughing, then had a chest infection. I found out a few days ago that my Grandma is dying. But everything’s ok… or is it?

Sometimes things just aren’t ok and its hard to put things into words to explain why, so we answer the question ‘are you ok?’ with ‘yes’ but our heart is crying ‘no’. We can’t find the words to talk to God so we don’t pray, but all the time our aching heart is crying out to Him. God hears our words, but thankfully he also hears our hearts cry, and doesn’t need further words from us. Psalm 139 is reassuring in these situations, phrases such as ‘you discern my thoughts from afar’ and ‘Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether’ are reassuring. We don’t need many words to receive comfort from God, just an honest heart’s cry.

Psalm 139

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
² You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
³ You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
⁵ You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

⁷ Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

¹³ For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

¹⁹ Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
²⁰ They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
²² I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.

²³ Search me, O God, and know my heart!
    Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴ And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting!

Decisions, decisions

Last week at church we had an excellent talk about decision making. If you’re interested you can listen to it here. As a result I confronted a decision I had been putting off making.

I previously blogged my thoughts about work and the struggle I was having juggling work and therapy/support appointments. I was hoping that discussions would take place between myself, my workplace and another organisation, in order to help me return to work, and access therapy. Unfortunately work would not agree to arrange a meeting so a stalemate was reached. During this time my mental health declined significantly. I had to make a decision and the talk at church helped to spur me into action. After a long, tearful, discussion with my mum, I decided to resign, not to look for further employment at this time, and receive the financial assistance available to me.

The decision was not an easy one. I had to confront my own prejudices around unemployment, benefits and possibly even disability. I did not want to be on benefits. I did not want to be unemployed. I did not want to admit that my fluctuating mental health disables me. I was also afraid of what other people would think or say.

I have given up paid, contractual, employment, but this does not mean I cannot work. I have decided to volunteer at my happy place. I have also applied to be a puppy walker for guide dogs for the blind. Both of these can be done around appointments and fulfil my list of reasons why I should work

1. I enjoy what I do.
2. It gives me a purpose and self-esteem.
3. God made me to work. (Genesis 2)
4. I am serving God (Colossians 3 v23-24)
5. I am glorifying God in my work (1 Corinthians 10 v31)
6. My work is worship. (Colossians 3 v17)

and I’m adding number 7. I can be a blessing to other people through my work

Since making my decision only 5 days ago, sadly I have been called a drain on society, a quitter and a fraud. These have been said by real people, not just by the bully that lives in my mind. Thankfully, I have the full support of my family, my close friends and Jesus.

Why work?

I’m struggling with work at the moment. I mean really struggling. Receiving treatment and support for mental health problems means there are some shifts I cannot work due to appointments. Despite my openness, lack of understanding from other people mean relationships with colleagues have broken down which in turn affects my mental health meaning the support and therapy become more important. For reasons I do not understand, staff which were seemingly supportive have suddenly become cynical. I have just begun working with a government appointed agency to negotiate ‘reasonable adjustments’ at work, such as set shift patterns, in order to remain in employment at the same time as receiving the therapy and support which benefits me enormously. This is still in very early stages so meaningful discussions with my employer have not yet happened. I am constantly having to battle for time off for appointments and I have reached the point were unless something postive happens very soon, I cannot continue in this employment whilst getting treatment. I am currently off sick until the situation can be resolved.

This has led me to question why I work. What is making me fight to remain employed? Why don’t I just stop working, claim benefits, and focus on the treatment? Here are the conclusions I have come to.

1. I enjoy what I do when I am there.
2. It gives me a purpose and self-esteem. I know I am good at my job.
3. God made me to work. (Genesis 2)
4. I am serving God (Colossians 3 v23-24)
5. I am glorifying God in my work (1 Corinthians 10 v31)
6. My work is worship. (colossians 3 v17)

There are probably a lot more reasons, but thats enough to keep me going for now.

My happy place.

This is my happy place.

I can go on my own, or with friends. Button is very welcome, in fact, when I don’t take him, people who have met him ask why he’s not there. It is a place where I can be me and I don’t have to hide anything about myself. I can be happy and excited, or I can be quiet and moody but the welcome is always the same. I can do nothing, or I can be busy crafting. I can learn or I can teach. The focus there is on what people of any age, ability or disability CAN do, not what they can’t do. I have a shelf there which has some of my handmade things for sale. This has encouraged me to make more things and to try and expand my skills. Today, and every Friday during the summer holidays I will have a stall in Fargo selling even more of the things I have made. Margaret, who owns Allsorts, persuaded me to give it a go. She is going to support me with it, so are some of my friends. I am very grateful for their support because I am not sure how I will cope. I might be just fine, but its ok if I’m not. At the moment, this is how I have been feeling:

And, of course, Button will be there. After all, we are Gem & Button!

Gem & Button

Hello, I’m Gem, the big dog is Button, and together we are Gem & Button.

Gem & Button

We are more or less inseparable!
I’m not one for many words, but I will let you know what to expect to read about on this blog. In summary, tales of creativity, faith, my dog, and occasionally mental health. All of these are related to each other in one way or another.

I am a Christian, I LOVE Jesus. I believe that God created everything and made me in his own image. He is the source of my creativity.

I enjoy everything crafty. I like to try anything creative if I get the chance but I am hopeless at drawing!

Button sunbathing

My big dog Button is a crazy chocolate labrador. He is the most loyal, loving and faithful friend that I have on earth. He is 9 years old but thinks he is a puppy. He was given to me as an early Christmas present from my mum in 2006 when he was 3 months old. He wants to be friends with everybody.

Creativity, faith and Button all help to keep my mental health in check. Creativity is a welcome distraction when things are not so good. Button cheers me up, he is funny, he is calming, and helps with anxiety when he goes places with me. He knows when I am struggling with mental health issues and his interactions with me change accordingly. He is wonderfully intuitive with me and with other people he comes into contact with. My faith in Jesus and the church community give me hope, support and comfort and play a major part in preventing social isolation. I’ve got a bee in my bonnet about breaking the stigma around mental health which is why I’ve chosen to include it in occasional blog posts.
Thats enough for now, I’ll tell you more later.